I Nearly Lost You Dad

First story in the series A Story Called Life. 

I don't know exactly how and when I lost my Dad. I can't remember. I don't know what's happening to me. May be its the sudden shock. A few moment ago I knew Dad was there for us. Suddenly what I can  remember is everybody in family crying. A sudden empty feelings within the stomach and within the heart.

I couldn't stare at Mom! She wasn't just crying for her husband, she was crying more for the person whom she first met when she was in class Eight. A skinny, shy boy-who used to follow her everywhere and hence my mom hated him most in the world. But her hate or ignorance couldn't discourage that boy from following her. When she started digging his past, she found he is not a flirting type person, rather a very introvert and geek, from a very poor family but good from heart. May be Mom still remember the date when she started liking Dad(younger version). Those days were not as fast as today. Next step in their love story was that Mom stared back when my Dad used to follow her anywhere, that was a big victory for my Dad! It came after two years of consistency. They took  few more years to come close,means when they could walk side by side, could say occasionally "Hi!" I could see reflection of the day when My Dad proposed her and she said "YES!!!" in her tears. She really seemed to be hit by the storm. She is completely lost in her memory. She is becoming silent for sometime, smiling unconsciously remembering great moments spent together, and when she was again getting back to reality she was crying her heart out. As I was very close to my Mom and Dad I know their love story. After ten years of love they got married. Mom's parents were never agreed with this relationship but still Mom fought her way to this marriage.  Then something happened, that they haven't ever told me, something I couldn't ever dared to ask them. Something happened that stolen the romance out of their relationship. I know they loved each other all life, but they started acting more like husband and wife less like lovers. May be the reason was our big joint family and bigger responsibilities-I don't know really. I have seen Mom always telling Dad that he is changed, and guess what Dad used to tell her the same. Maybe they both didn't know why they had changed. Maybe today after such terrible loss Mom can understand what changed their relationship forever. But it will be a mystery to me forever, I am not going to ask about this ever in my life. While crying Mom called me once and hugged me tight. I am sure she was remembering the moment when she gave birth to me, and Dad was there, everywhere everytime. She was remembering how a new chapter began in their life. How with lots of sacrifices they started  bringing up me together. It was tough, damn tough. Sometimes I think they lost many parts of their relationship due to me. Dad worked day in day out to give us a new house, to give me best schooling. Mom companied me, their single child in every step. I am sure she is crying more remembering that day when they left me in a Boarding school for the first time. Though I haven't seen, but I can guess how was that night for my parents. It took me long to convince them to eat good food or use fan at home. They were always feeling guilty for admitting me in a boarding school, though it was one of the finest. Yes I was upset, very very upset on them. I never wanted to go to an boarding school, I wanted to stay always at home, and I always regretted and few times shouted at my parents that I lost 12 years of my childhood in hostel. But at this moment I can understand, whatever I am today, is because of their wisest decision. It was really hard for me, but I was there with so many friends, but it was harder for my parents, they were alone, they missed me every moment. I know mom is regretting for every moments she fought with him, Because now his behaviour is becoming reasonable. She was whispering and crying in agony "Why haven't I ever done those little things which he wanted me to do-like staying silent when he was in bad mood after whole day's work, like not leaving the spoon in his tea-cup, like not making sound when he was asleep. He didn't demanded much. You know when I was getting into my first year of college I was seeing that something is changing in my parents' relationship-  that romance which was lost years ago is returning. They started spending time together alone. They started whispering again. They started laughing again. Though they had occasional fights, but their relation was getting better. Maybe because I was grown up and taking my own responsibility, may be Dad understood some sacrifices he made for some members of family wasn't worthy at all. And when everything was getting better...why did you do this to us God? Why?

I can't take it anymore. I ran back to my room. Tears in my eyes. I can't cry loud. I have to be strong. I still can't believe Dad is not here! The first memory of my Dad I can remember is he used to take me to playground every afternoon after returning from office, when I was very young. He didn't have any friends, rather he didn't had any time for friends, family was everything for him. I can remember a day when a bull started chasing us, and how my Dad ran taking me in his lap. I owe my life to him from that day. I remember how every night he used to teach me Exercises while he was doing his daily rounds. He was the person who introduced me to God, he used to take me to Ramakrishna Mission, we used to attend prayer, play around the temple. He taught me God is not something to pray for our own sake, or when we need him, rather God seemed to me more like a friend who is always with me showing me the right path. Thanks to Dad for my this understanding.My Dad was really one man army, how he took us from a struggling family to a stable one is itself a story worth written. He was not a person who could express his feeling through his words, but today I am starting to understand lots of his untold feelings. I can remember him crying like a little baby while leaving me in the hostel for the first time and may be everytime, may be I stopped noticing his tears later. I can remember how he taught me Mathematics, in rather unconventional way, and made it most interesting subject of my life. I can remember everytime I wanted something badly, he used to delay giving that thing, and I hated him for that, but it took me years to understand what a wonderful lesson he taught me early in my life. I learned to wait patiently for what I want. You know he is the reason behind one of my addiction -Drug! Just kidding! Books! He used to bought so many books for me, and also used to read them for me, when I haven't still learnt reading. And when I learnt reading I became a book lover, whatever I am today is mostly because of books I read, and credit goes to my Dad. When most of parents scolds their children for watching TV, my Dad never did. He always gave me liberty. Not just about watching television but about most of the things in my life. You know I had only few friends in my childhood and my parents was my best friends. You won't believe if I tell you I have learnt whistling after practising with my Dad for an hour, because it was the day when he learnt it first time too. But don't know when our friendship broke. I don't exactly how or when. May be when I started taking decisions of my life on my own. May be when I started saying "It's My Life!!!" May be when I took different ideology. May be when I thought I knew more than Dad. I was most upset with my parents when I told them I love someone and they reacted negatively. I started hating my father for not accepting my love at the first meet, for not ever talking to me like a friend about what's going on in my Love life, for scolding me for talking on phone late at night. But...but how could I missed those moments when after some days my Dad welcomed her as a member of our family. How he never forgot to give me a hundred rupee note every weekend while visiting me in hostel to call my love. How he secretly increased my pocket money to sponsor my love. Oh God! Why I haven't noticed! Arguments became more frequent. We seldom talked to each other. Though I used to talk little bit with my mom, me and my dad was becoming completely stranger living in the same house. Wish I could go back in time and say him sorry for everytime I shouted to him. May be our thinking was different, but that didn't necessarily mean one of us was wrong. If only I could understand this before. Biggest fight I had with my Dad was during choosing my career. He always wanted me to be an Engineer and get a good job or do higher study. I can understand now, after struggling through a difficult job of bank employee, he wanted me to have a secure job, social respect. But I never wanted to be that. I always wanted to be free, that's why chosen Entrepreneurship. I think I have never told him why I chosen this path. I wanted to stay at home. I missed my home, my parents in my childhood. I didn't want rest of my life to be spent mostly in office. If I have to work, I preferred to work from home. I wanted to spend more time with them, I wanted to re-live my childhood in my youth. I wanted them to give the hints-visiting Chandannagar together on the occasion of Jagaddhatri Puja was really a memorable experience of our life. Also last Christmas wasn't any less special, when I spent whole day with my parents in Kolkata. Wish I could make him understand, that I wanted to stay close to them. I wanted to make a difference as they always taught me. I wanted to live for others also like they did just in larger scale. He was against my decision, but best part of him was he still helped me walking my own path. He could have stopped my pocket money, he could have done a lots of things, but he didn't. And I am grateful to him for that. I hated everytime when he used to shout, but today I can feel after what he had gone through in his life, I shouldn't have blame him. Feeling strange, head is circling, I don't know what we would do without him. Everything I could have said to him is now lost forever. If only once I could met him again  I would have told him "I love You Dad. You mean a lot to me. Whatever differences we may have, we can still be friends. Please don't leave me alone, please...."

Trrrng....Trrrrng...what sound is that? Oh! It is my alarm clock! Then...then...I was asleep...I was dreaming! Oh God! Oh God! Dad...he is still in office. Thank you God, thanks for making me realize. Today I am gonna tell him what I feel...even if my voice shakes. I love You Dad. I nearly lost you!

I know your eyes are moist. Mine too! Don't just sit there. Run to your parents or the person who is important to your life. And tell them how much you love them, before its too late. 

Sourav Ghosh
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